Humor

Jokes

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Niektóre z dowcipów mogą się wydawać idiotyczne i prawidłowo, ale cóż – taki już jest ten angielski humor ;)
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Short Blonde Jokes

Q: How can you tell if a blond is a good cook?
A: She gets the poptart out of the toaster in one piece.
Q: What do you call a blonde at university?
A: A visitor.

Q. Why does a blonde smile in a lightning storm?
A. They think their getting their picture taken.

Q: What did the mom say to her blonde duaghter before a date?
A: If your not in bed by 12 come home.

Q: Why did the blonde only smell good on the right side?
A: He didn’t know where to buy Left Guard!

Q: Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail she was hammering?
A: The noise gave her a headache

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who couldn’t wait to see 20,000 leagues under the sea?
A: He said that he loved baseball, and was surprised that there were so many teams.

Q: Why did the blonde stand in front of a mirror with his eyes closed?
A: He wanted to see what he looked like asleep.

Q: How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?
A: Two: one to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass him the blow dryer!

Q: What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
A: They drowned in Spring training.

Q: How do you recognize a blonde at a car wash?
A: He’s the one on his bike.

Q: Why did the blonde quit his job as a restroom attendant?
A: He couldn’t figure out how to refill the hand dryer.

Q: What do you call blonde twins doing bubble gum commercials?
A: Double-dumb

Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using your lawnmower?
A: The green WELCOME mat is ripped all to shreds.

Q: How can you tell which tricycle belongs to the blonde?
A: It is the one with the kickstand.

Q: What do you call an all-blonde skydiving team?
A: A new version of the Lawn Darts game.

Q: Why did the blonde take his new scarf back to the store?
A: It was too tight

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who gave his cat a bath?
A: He still hasn’t gotten all the hair off his tongue.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who thought he discovered that he had a twin brother?
A: He didn’t realize he was looking in a mirror.

Q: Why can’t blondes take coffee breaks?
A: They’re too hard to re-train.

****
Overweight Blonde

A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. „I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least 5 pounds.”
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

„Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, „Did you follow my instructions?”

The blonde nodded. „I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day.”

„From hunger, you mean?”

„No, from skipping”

****
The Judge

A judge asks a defendant to please stand. „You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw.” From out in the audience a man shouts, „You lying bastard!”

„Silence in the court!” the judge shouted back. He turns to the defendant again and says, „You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel.”

„You goddamned tightwad!” blurted the spectator.

„Quiet!” yelled the judge. „You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill.”

„You cheap son of a…” the man starts to shout.

The Judge thunders back „If you don’t tell me the reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt!”

„I’ve lived next to that lying bastard for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a f*****g tool when I needed to borrow one!”

****
In da Hotel ;)

A man went into a hotel and saw a large dog sitting next to the reception desk.
> Does your dog bite? he asked the receptionist.
No, she said. So the man bent down to stroke the dog. It jumped up and bit his hand.
> I thought you said that your dog didn’t bite.
The receptionist got up from her seat and looked over the desk at the dog and replied:
> That’s not my dog!

****
Good investment

A millionare confessed:

-when i first came to NY i had only 1$ in my pocket to make a start.

-How did you invest this dollar.

-I sent a telegram to home for more money…

****

Prospective job

Two friends met.

-And your brother, who was trying so hard to get a governmet job, what is he doing now?

-Nothing. He got this job..

****

Priceless health

-Poor old Joe ! He is so short-sighted he is working himself to death.

-What has short-sight got to do with it ?

-He can’t see when his boss is not looking and he keeps on shovelling all the time.

****

Watch your fingers

The new-employed worker kept hitting his fingers while hammering.He adressed the foreman:

-How can I hit this nail without hitting my fingers ?

-Well, you might try holding thr hammer with both hands.

****

Family ties

The boss is talking to Smith:

-You have already had leave, Smith, to see your wife off on a journey, for your mather-in-law funeral, for children’s measles, what is it now?

-I’am getting married, sir.

****

Queuing up heaven

An old storekeeper was in bed uttering his last breath.The sorrowful family surrounded his bed of pain.

-Is mum here?-asked wearily.

-Yes, Abi – she replied

-And my oldest son ?

-Yes

And the other four boys?

-Yes

-And my two lovely daughters?

-Yes

The oldman struggled to a sitting position:

-So who the hell is tending the shop?

****

Court

The judge says, ‚What’s this man is charged with ?’

The policeman says, ‚He opened shop’

‚And what’s wrong in openings shop ?’

‚Well it wasn’t his shop, Sir…..’

****

A man

A man says to the doctor, ‚I can’t go on.

Everybody thinks I am a liar, ‚

‚Get away’ says the doctor ‚I don’t believe you.’

****

A bath

Salesman: Right, there’s your new bath sir. Do you want a plug for it?

Customer: Oh. I didn’t know it was electric.

****

Pigs

A man had an idea for getting more pigs into a small space. He built a sty-scraper…

****

The doctor

A woman is at the doctor’s. She says, ‚I’ve come to thank you, doctor.

I was thinking i was a dog and you curred me.’

The doctor says, ‚Are you sure you’re all right now ?

The woman says, ‚Yes. Feel my nose.’

****

Lesson

A teacher : „Now, John, what are you doing – learning something?”

A pupil : ” No, sir, I’m listening to you.”

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